The Marriage Rollercoaster: How to Create a Relationship that Stands the Test of Time
After 37 years of marriage, I can confirm: it’s not all candlelight and cuddles. Sometimes it’s conflict, counseling, and climbing into a dumpster. Here’s what lasting love really looks like.
Today marks 37 years of marriage to Jim.
Thirty. Seven. Years.
On our wedding day, I imagined “eternity”—because that’s what good little LDS girls were taught to expect. But what I didn’t imagine was just how long and winding that eternity would feel at times.
Spoiler: it hasn’t all been white dresses and eternal bliss.
We’ve officially been married longer than we were alive before meeting. At this point, Jim and I are less “two people in love” and more “a joint LLC with emotional baggage and a Costco membership.”
The Daring Adventure that Is Marriage
We met in 1987 at Mesa Community College. Jim waltzed into the LDS Institute cafeteria, all bold and confident, and invited me and my friend on a double date.
Plot twist: he thought I was his date. I thought his best friend was mine. Adorable miscommunication. Six months and some romantic zigzags later, I invited him to a church fireside as a friend… and left that night engaged.
I cannot explain this. I have no excuse. And yet, here we are.
Fast forward 37 years, five kids, and now grandkids galore—and here’s what I can tell you:
Marriage is not a Hallmark movie.
Marriage is a 5,000-piece jigsaw puzzle, with half the pieces chewed on by toddlers and the other half lost in the couch cushions.
But when you stand back, you realize the image you’re assembling is uniquely yours. Beautiful, messy, real.
There Are No Perfect Marriages
Let’s just say this loud for the people in the back: No matter how cute the couple photo on Instagram is, no marriage is immune to conflict.
You can’t merge two humans with wildly different upbringings, communication styles, and unresolved trauma and not expect fireworks (and not the good kind).
Case in point: My co-worker, Amanda, was engaged to an incredible guy. Seriously–the “Prince Charming” type. Like straight out of a fairytale.
She came to work every day with stories of flowers, chocolates, and romantic gestures. Their relationship seemed nearly perfect.
But once they were married? The honeymoon phase ended faster than flames devouring the garbage in a dumpster.
And speaking of dumpsters…
Three weeks after her wedding day, she showed up to work flustered, late, and a little bit disillusioned.
That morning, she accidentally threw out an assignment her husband needed for school, then immediately took the garbage out to the dumpster in their apartment complex. After realizing that was the only place the missing paper could be, the two of them headed outside–where her new husband gave her a boost up so she could climb into the dumpster.
That, my friends, is marriage.
The man who once brought her flowers and opened doors was now boosting her into a community trash bin.
And honestly? That’s love. That’s real. That’s partnership.
Every Marriage Has Problems (AKA: Divorce IS an Option)
Let’s take a deep breath and talk about something taboo.
No matter how devoted you are to your spouse or how wonderful your marriage seems to be, divorce is always an option.
I know, I know. I’m the lady with 37 years under her belt and no plans to leave.
But I also grew up watching my parents stay married far too long out of fear, religious guilt, and social pressure. They believed divorce was NOT an option. So they stayed in a miserable, abusive, unhealthy relationship for 25 years.
When my mother finally worked up the courage to leave, our lives became so much better. And that was when I knew: Not all marriages are meant to last.
With that tidbit in my back pocket, I made myself a promise: if my marriage ever became abusive or toxic, I would walk away. Period.
And guess what? Knowing that divorce is an option doesn’t make your marriage weaker. It actually gives your brain permission to stop panic-planning an escape route and focus on solving the real problems. Because the truth is…divorce is always an option whether you believe in it or not. So why not use that fact to your advantage!
Marriage Doesn't Fix You
When you’re willing to look divorce in the eye, it opens up options. And since every marriage has problems, options are important.
But it’s also important to recognize that nearly every problem has two sides. So, if you’re relationship is suffering, take a look at what you’re doing before pointing the finger at your spouse.
Then, repeat after me: marriage doesn’t fix your issues. It amplifies them.
Look, your partner is not your savior, your personality upgrade package, or your therapist.
Marriage was never meant to be about two broken people coming together to create one whole. It’s supposed to be about two whole people learning how to do life together without losing themselves in the process.
Jim and I learned (the hard way) that we had to deal with our own junk before we could love each other well.
And this might be the lesson that hit the hardest:
It’s not Jim’s job to make me happy.
And it’s not mine to manage his emotions, behavior, or mood.
My Needs = My Job. His Needs = His Job.
We’re each responsible for our own healing, our own peace, our own needs.
Of course, we support each other. Of course we love each other. Of course we do what we can to take care of each other.
But we don’t do any of it at the expense of our own well-being.
When we stopped expecting each other to be emotional janitors, everything changed.
When I finally stopped trying to fix Jim, I remembered why I fell in love with him in the first place.
Because he made me laugh. Because he was kind. Because he made life lighter, even when it was hard. Because I couldn’t imagine a future without him. And all these years later, I still can’t.
Love without control is delicious. It’s the real stuff. It’s “I see you, flaws and all, and I’m still here.”
That kind of love only shows up when you give people the space to be themselves.
Marriage Advice Thoughts
If you’re in a relationship that matters to you—romantic or otherwise—here’s what I want you to know:
There’s no such thing as a perfect partnership.
You’re allowed to opt out if it becomes unsafe.
No one can complete you. That’s your job.
Let go of control. Embrace love.
And if you’re gonna be in a relationship, buckle up. You’re on the rollercoaster now.
We don’t do kiddie rides over here.
We do Splash Mountain. Screaming. Laughing. Sometimes crying. And occasionally… dumpster diving.
An Offer of Support
Need support navigating the relationship rollercoaster? Let’s talk. Schedule your free self-discovery call [here].
Just remember…marriage will never be all sunshine and roses. But that doesn’t mean you have to give up. With love, commitment and a whole lot of tolerance, you can make it to 37 years, too!
Happy anniversary to the man who still makes me laugh and occasionally hands me a metaphorical leg-boost into life’s dumpster.
Here’s to more years, more lessons, and a whole lot more rollercoasters. (Let’s go to Disneyland to celebrate!)
